Shakespeare's HitzAngel Sanctuary Style!
by Sherloki'd
Summary: UPDATED! What happens when the AS cast decides to act out some of the best stories ever written by Master S?...Hilarious things happen with Michael as Hamlet!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** _I don't own these characters, Kaori Yuki-SAMA does, and I worship her._

_Warning: This is s'pposed to be a parody, and I think it's turning out to be quite special…_

_Watch out if you're easily offended by shonen-ai/yaoi, incest or foul language…ch-chotto matte! If you WERE offended by this, you wouldn't be reading anything related to Angel Sanctuary! xD_

_Enough Rambling._

**Shakespeare's Greatest Hitz, Angel Sanctuary Style!**

**Take one: Hamlet.**

(The scene takes place at the Castle in Heaven. A young red headed Hamlet is sitting on the wide windowsill, staring out the window.)

-"Oh, woe is me…I…"-he blushed angrily and started ripping his costume apart. –"If you motherfuckers thought I'd do this, you're fuckin' insane!"

All 'round him people sighed in exasperation.

Raphael: -"Oh c'mon Mika-chan! We need you!"-The blond playboy seemed a bit stressed out at the inevitable. His arms moved in circles rapidly, as he twisted the script in both hands- "Who** else** is gonna be able to replace such a _talented_ mighty archangel? Without you, Michael…we're nothing!"

Michael thought, long and hard for… approximately three seconds, and spoke.

-"Yeah, you're right. I'll do it for yer sake."-He paused as he ripped off a piece of embroidered fabric from his sleeves.-"There now, that's better."

The Healer looked at the tanned archangel beside him, looking for an encouraging…_something._ Seeing he got nothing, he poked Uriel on the arm.

-"Ouch!"- He glared at his aggressor. - "What's troubling you?"

-"Just tell me everything's gonna turn out okay?"

Uriel stole a peek at the scene before them. _Hamlet _ran around trashing the place, screaming bloody murder at passer-bys.

-"Well, with him on the lead, I can't promise you anything."-He sighed and continued- "You can't ask for the moon when it's not on sale."

Michael stopped his beating of the couch on stage and yelled something unintelligible.

Everyone just sweat dropped.

Uriel tapped Gabrielle on the shoulder. –"What did he say?"

The girl just covered her face with an elegant fan. Uriel had to wait until she was done giggling to get a reasonable answer.

–"He said…"-she kept giggling- "He said…"

Out of nowhere popped Adam Kadmon and pointed at the tall dark and handsome angel, with an accusing finger.

-"He said…"-he broke into a fit of giggles before stating the obvious! - "…you've got some issues."

(A pissed Uriel chases Michael whilst Raphael tears the script in two. Suddenly, an ear splitting scream through a megaphone makes everyone collapse face first onto the ground.)

(The culprit –a shadowy figure- throws the megaphone at Michael, hitting him on the head, and laughs at the unconscious Proud Warrior.)

With a dual voice –feminine and masculine at a time, and just plain creepy- he starts to verbally lash at everyone on the set. Then he smiles.

-"I trust your efforts and my natural genius will get us through this. Now, let's make sure this kind of thing does not happen again while I'm here."

He motioned them all to stand up quickly and sat on the director's chair.

-"Let's get this show on the road."

**Take two: Hamlet, again.**

(This time Hamlet's basking in his own depressing melancholy. He walks down an aisle, and stares out the glass doors, finding a rose garden.)

He sobbed quietly as he embraced himself; the sting of the roses' thorns still fresh on his milky pale skin; his clothes dirty and torn apart.

An injured hand ran through his blood red spikes as he fell on his knees, shouting to the Heavens in a pain so great—

Raphael hit Mika-chan with the script. –"Michael, please stick to the plan!"

An enraged teary eyed Michael burnt Raphael to a crisp. –"Don't tell me what to do, you bitch!"

Gabrielle, Uriel and Doll rolled their eyes at the fighting couple and went out for drinks.

The shadowy man hit the wrestling' archangels with his mighty whip, urging them to separate and move on.

**Take three: Hamlet. **Yeah, I know…this is getting _old._

The man: "Michael, listen to me…" –Michael yawned as he picked his nose, and was whipped in a matter of seconds. –"**Listen** to me, you're Hamlet, not Romeo; and you're about to be visited by your dead father, the King. Got that?"

-"I'll sure try my fuckin' best."- He frowned.

(Hamlet urges his men to leave him alone with a cloaked figure.)

Michael: "I said, '**leave** you fuckin' bitches!'"-he threw a massive fireball at them, DBZ style. Once he was done with them, he ran after the ghost. –"Yo, wait up you fucking old geezer!"

The cloaked man stopped dead in his tracks and turned around to face the Prince.

-"You're not aware of how much I've wished to see you, my offspring…"

A vein throbbed on Michael's forehead. –"Yeah, I've missed you too, daddy-o!"

The ghost opened up his arms, motioning his son to hug him. –"Give me a hug, you shrimp."

Michael blushed and looked at the director. –"Who's playing King Hamlet?"

The man giggled and shrugged, making Michael shoot daggers at his direction.

King Hamlet smirked and, taking his son by surprise, held him close, refusing to let go.

Michael hit the broad manly chest he was being pressed up against, trying to get away.

**-"Who the _hell_ is this!"**

A deep sexy voice answered him, whispering in his ear. –"This is…Hell itself."

The director threw his cloak at an assistant, laughing his head off and revealing his identity at last. He pointed at Michael's neon blush and lack of words, and continued laughing as he rolled on the floor, sinking to hysterics.

Raphael kicked a guffawing Rosiel but got no answer. –"What did he do to Mika-chan? Look at him, he's all petrified and…stuff!"

Meanwhile, Michael was still pressed up against Lucifer.

The red head timidly lowered his eyes and asked in a quiet voice if he could be released.

-"What's that little man? You gotta speak up! I can't hear you from _up here_!"

The Mighty Powers' hands balled into fists as the rage took over his adolescent body. –"Are you making fun of me?"-Michael inquired. - "Of my _height_, onii!" –he demanded.

Lucifer just smirked and eyed his twin hungrily.

-"Dearest, you know I'd never ever dare to do so!"-He leaned down as he breathed into the Fire Angel's ear- "I _lust_ after you, as a whole…shortie or not!"

Rosiel eventually had a heart attack, and had to be tended by the paramedics on scene; Michael was kidnapped and was never seen or heard of again in this chapter.

Raphael broke down and cried as Gabrielle and Uriel patted him on the back, while he mumbled something about _sticking to the plan._

**A.N:** Will Michael ever see the sunlight again? How exactly is his kinky perverted devil for a brother going to torture him? Is the cast of AS prone to disaster?

Find out…soon enough.

The next chapter is a love classic: _Romeo and Juliet!_

Guess who's playing Juliet? ain't it obvious?

So— (Owari, for now)

(why do I even bother writing anything? I know pple aren't gonna read it…sniff)

**+Stalin+**


	2. Where art thou, Romeo?

**Disclaimer:** _I don't own these characters, Kaori Yuki-SAMA does, and I worship her._

_Warning: This is s'pposed to be a parody, and I think it's turning out to be quite special…_

_Watch out if you're easily offended by shonen-ai/yaoi, incest or foul language…ch-chotto matte! If you WERE offended by this, you wouldn't be reading anything related to Angel Sanctuary! xD_

_This chapter starts a bit angsty(and what a HOT intro!), but don't be fooled! I think Lucifer's quite off character, but they say love makes you go insane and do stupid things (evil laugh). Same for darling Mika-chan._

_The rating goes way up to R, just in case. 'Nuff said._

**Shakespeare's Greatest Hitz, Angel Sanctuary Style!**

**Romeo & Juliet**

_**Hell**_

He awakened to the touch of soft fingertips caressing the countours of his young face.

Michael couldn't open his eyes, but shivered when he felt a hot whisper in his ear.

-"Wake up, beautiful" -the sensuous voice said.

Manly hands ran through the red mat of hair, chaste kisses placed on his nude shoulder.

A nose rubbed against the joint of his neck and earlobe.The Archangel of Fire groaned needily when his achilles' heel was nudged -even if he never admit it, that bodily area of his caused him a lotta trouble. He fidgetted a bit, fighting his predator.

That's when it clicked.

_A bed. Hell. Dark Lord. I'm in bed with Lucifer!_

He opened his eyes to a wonderful treat -A.N:not that he was gonna admit that either!.-

Michael gasped upon seeing a sculptural body leaning over him, long ebony hair cascading down those alabaster shoulders.

In one swift move, he covered his head with the comforter to avoid blushing.

_Too late_.

Inhumane strength peeled the warm fabric from him like an orange, and there it was; what had caused him to hide so damn quickly.

Piercing cat eyes.

Twin orbs so fixated on his own that burned to the very core.

Waves of pleasure invaded Michael's body upon realizing Lucifer's desire was recognizable in those marvellous pools of cobalt.

And yet, he would not yield.

-"There there, all awake now"- Lucifer leaned in to kiss him briefly.

Michael was on the verge of tears. He took hold of himself once again and remained silent with a new stoic expression.

He was short of breath, but couldn't do anything about it. His heart thumped loud enough to be heard a thousand kilometers away, and yet he could do nothing.

He sighed, and stared at his brother with disdain.

Lucifer smirked and raised an eyebrow.

-"So suddenly it's wrong of me to show you a bit of brotherly affection." -he spat.

Michael smiled darkly. -"We both know that currently you're not thinking of me as a brother, so cut the crap"

Lucifer smiled warmly -A.N: is that possible!- and ruffled his hair.

And then **hugged** him.

In all those years from War, having seen atrocities, barbaric enterprises and pretty much the worst side of humanity, he had never

felt frightened.

Now he was terrified.

-"WAH, GET OFF YOU BITCH! NOW!"

A nose touched the accursed spot to make him stop yelling.

Much to his dismay, it worked.

Michael looked at him, when they were face to face.

-"I think this is the part where you tell me exactly why I'm in Hell, laying next to you in this monstrous bed, half naked. If you don't want me to rip your FUCKING HEAD OFF RIGHT NOW!"

Lucifer was serious, for the first time in this story. He raised a hand to cup his twin's tattoed cheek.

"I'm sorry."

-"Well, you SHOULD be, cuz it's not FUCKING OKAY to kidnap people who're in the middle of something, YOU KNOW!"

-"No, Michael, I mean I'm _sorry_."-he looked toubled.

His defenses crumbled. This couldn't be happening.

-"It was a long time ago, and it's too late anyway."-Michael couldn't believe what he had just said. His voice had been lost a second ago...-"You're lying--"

-"Your eyes show you're hurt...you _care_ for me, Michael!" The Angel of War shot daggers at the owner of the voice.

-"LISTEN TO ME, YOU LYING FUCK!"-he gasped for breath and continued, "Even if you were _truly_ sorry, and even if I _did_ care, I'd never,"-he poked a chest with his index for emphasis,-"EVER EVER FUCKING FORGIVE YOU!"

He broke down and cried.

His twin read this behaviour as a message -that's what it was,- and held him close.

Lucifer patted that strong spartan back that shook all over from sobbing; he kissed a forehead.

Time stood still, and they felt utterly alone in a universe in which there were no Heaven, no Earth and certainly no Hell.

The Dark Lord swallowed hard and found his voice at last.

-"It was hard for me too, you know"-he kept on rubbing his little brother's back in circles. -"But at the time, all I could think of was what Father told me; I was blinded from rage."

Michael deattached himself from the embrace to look at him straight in the face.

Lucifer continued

-"I felt smart and capable, like a true god. It took me a few eons to realize that the burning hole in my stomach wasn't merely caused by rage and hatred. I know I took everything away from you -your honor, your blood, your only friend, -and that you may never forgive me.

"I just wanted you to know that I missed you, and that I love you from the bottom of my dead heart."

It felt as though the tears would never stop.

He recovered some of his composure. -"Are you allowed to love?", he asked.

Lucifer smiled sadly. "I'm not sure, but nevertheless I do."

Michael asked once again, "Are you allowed to love your brother?"

There was a pause.

-"I thought we were supposed to, you know. It says so in the Bible."

-"Not this kind of love, you moron"

They both cracked under a fit of laughs.

After a long pause, Lucifer said, -"I think Setsuna and Sarah are getting by just fine. Why can't we?"

Once again, they laughed.

Raphael was worried.

Finally Uriel, Doll and Gabrielle decided to show up -they were useless drunk, but at least they'd arrived.

Rosiel was unconscious since his heart attack, but his last will and testament strongly underlined the importance of finishing _the project._

"The show must go on", it read.

So Raphael was worried, because the lead was missing; not only that, the LEAD was MISSING. As in not there.

As in he-was-kidnapped-by-the-Lord-of-Hell-who-just-so-happens-to-be-his-twin-brother-whom-deserves-to-be-hated-by-Michael-for-dissing-his-own-flesh-and-blood-and-founding-his-own-religion.

He sighed and lit a cigarrette.

-"We're doomed, c'est fini! There's nothing we can do if Michael decided to take the day off!"

Uriel, who was the most sober of the trio tried to enlight the crew with a piece of knowing advice... -"Maybe we should--"

But was silenced by a loud bang!

_BANG!_

Out of nowhere came Rosiel, who just so happened to destroy a wall.

-"I know our little _Juliet_ is quite busy, but there's no story without her! So ONWARDS TO HELL WE GO!"

Raphael sweatdropped. "But, Rosiel, there's no way we can get past the upper layers of Hell--"

"SHADDAP! LET'S RIDE INTO THE SUNSET!"

Everyone sweatdropped, but complied, and thus, the journey began.

"...and this is the guy who I talked to for three hours straight, back in the day, when I still cared for the government of my reign."

-"Wow" said Michael.

Lucifer smiled. -"We have a lot to catch up to, you know..."

Michael concentrated on his twin's photo album, and was oblivious to the conversation.

-"I never knew you had a _son_, onii"

-"Oh, you mean junior!"-Lucifer chuckled and took the photo album away from Mika's grasp, earning an irritated 'hey!' from the red haired youth. -"Now now, little brother, I think you better remember who you're dealing with! Show some respect."

-"Why should I fear you? I'm a Proud Warrior; the HOLY ARCHANGEL OF FIRE AND WAR, dammit!" -and mumbled a bunch of 'fucking pansy, taking away those photos' nonsense, which unnerved his brother.

-"I think I know just the thing that can show you who I am, really."

The Dark Prince smirked lustily and Michael blushed.

Rosiel had proven himself insane. They'd advanced with difficulty, but finally made it inside the residence of the Lord of Darkness.

The Castle was built with huge stone labyrinths as passage-ways, and held intricate traps to all of those who dared enter.

Their director merely sneered at everything as he knocked down the walls of the labyrinth, as he made his way to the main bedroom.

Raphael gathered up the courage to speak up to him, upon resisting a lot of abuse and seeing everyone fainting from fatigue.

-"Uhh...Rosiel, I think we ought to have a quick five minute stop"-he pointed at the crew -"They're on the verge of fainting -and littering the castle"

Rosiel tossed his head back and laughed.-"No can do, blondie! The main bedroom must be here somewhere! You make sure the lights and cameras are in good shape when we get there!"

Raphael suppressed a growl. -"But,_ sir_--" Rosiel bitchslapped him.

-"QUIET! I think I heard something!"

Doll, Gabrielle and Uriel stood up at once to hold back Raphael from murdering their director.

-"It's definitely coming from over there! FOLLOW MEE!"- he ran.

In efect, they could hear Michael begging from all the way to Lucifer's room.

And there they stood, demons and angels alike; looking aghast and not quite believing what they were hearing.

-"Nngh! L-Lucifer! STOP, please!"

Rosiel laughed maniacally, and was silenced by the nosy crowd. Raphael blushed jealously and violently, "You people! Move over! I'm coming in!"

Still came the loud cries and pants of, "L-leave it alone! Pleaaase noooo!"

And then there was a loud creak from the door opening...

Lucifer refrained from cutting his troubled brother's hair, and from doing his nails with one hand (the other held both Mika's arms).

They all collapsed to the floor.

-"Hey, what did ya think we were doing, you perverts!"

* * *

_**TBC.**_

_A.N: (sorry for the cliffhanger; I'll try to update ASAP)_

_Please review :3?_


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